The 'Other thing'
It's been a bit of a year
Hello patient readers. In a few of my last posts back in 2025 I mentioned struggling with some ‘other thing’ in the hope that some day I’d feel comfortable talking about it. Well, today is that day.
I’ve been battling anorexia nervosa since at least 2020. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it started because it kind of snuck up on me. At first, it was compulsively exercising. The next symptom that came along was weighing myself multiple times a day. Eventually came restricting how much I ate. Last year, I started making myself throw up.
Things all came to a head last year when I collapsed from dehydration and over-exertion and had to take an ambulance ride.
That helped me realize how badly I needed help, and on January 8th, I was checked into Monte Nido Walden’s eating disorder clinic in Dedham, where I ended up spending the next two months.
Beyond the professional help I got from this, there were some other pros. I made some new friends. I got to ride out all those crazy storms in a place with round the clock staff and a generator. Overall though, this was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
As you can see, this wasn’t a time for rest and recovery, but food exposures and endless therapy, with the occasional medical test or examination mixed in. I put the work in. I went to almost every group. I tried my best at every meal or snack, and gradually I worked my way through the program.
Access to my cellphone was limited to an hour or an hour and fifteen minutes a day. We did have free access to landlines, but I couldn’t use those to call my family overseas. Visitors were encouraged but had to be scheduled in between meals and snacks. As you progressed through the program, you were allowed to get taken out by trusted family or friends, so long as there was a therapeutic component to the outing.
So, for example, going to a restaurant would be approved as an exposure you couldn’t do within program. Similarly for me, going out to the cinema so long as I had a drink and a snack was seen as a good practice for something I do just about every week in my personal life.
Katy visited regularly and took me out on a number of outings. Other friends came to see me and took me out for a few hours as well.
Returning always felt so surreal. Like something out of Severance, albeit one where you can remember the details of both the inside and outside lives.
One of my biggest worries going into treatment was whether or not I would get to be myself. What I found was one of the most welcoming and accepting environments I have ever experienced. Staff and residents alike accepted me for who I am, and effortlessly used my pronouns. Throughout treatment people described me ‘a safe person’ and ‘approachable’ which given how transgender people get portrayed in the media, wasn’t something I expected or hoped to hear, and it was both surprising and uplifting.
That didn’t mean that things weren’t very challenging though. In order to shave my legs, I had to sign out my razor, and for the first few weeks I had to use it supervised. The staff were understanding, but it was uncomfortable for all of us.
Over the weeks though, I found my way, and earned more independence and trust as I learnt healthier ways to deal with the anxieties the world causes me. The treatment was multipronged. Renourishing was one key part, learning new skills another, and trying to unpack existing traumas another. By the time I left, I was better at tolerating food, better at tolerating anxiety, and less likely to get triggered by buried traumas.
Being discharged in early March, didn’t mean I was ready to return to work full time, or at all. Months of commuting (a one hundred and seventy miles round trip) to another treatment facility on weekdays followed. The treatment remained similar, but took up less of my time. By May I was cleared to return to work part time, and in July I returned to work full time.
I have restored weight and I am doing a lot better. I continue to regularly have nightmares. The world at large continues to cause me anxiety.
But the people and places around me that I directly interact with continue to lift me up and inspire me. My work supported me through all these trials which I cannot begin to express my gratitude for. Katy has been there every step of the way, and I can only begin to imagine how difficult it has all been for her. If you know her, please, show her all the love and appreciation you can. Not on my behalf, but because she more than deserves it.
I’m trying to live in the moment as much as I can these days. I have newfound appreciation for simple freedoms.
I’ve been putting off writing this until I felt like I was in a strong place to recommence sharing my journey. Having previously been unable to talk about such a large part of my challenges made doing it almost impossible, but I remain committed to talking about my life and helping give people one transgender person’s perspective on things.
TLDR: Eating disorder clinics are really welcoming places that you never want to find yourself in.
BLÅHAJ IS CURRENTLY ENJOYING A BREAK, BUT WILL BE BACK SOON. BLÅHAJ KNOWS TRANSPHOBES READING THIS AND THAT BLÅHAJ HASN’T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THEM. HAPPY THAT TRANSPHOBES GOT TO SEE BLÅHAJ BODY BOARDING AT A COOL PARTY (ANY PARTY BLÅHAJ IS AT IS A COOL ONE OBVIOUSLY).