Fighting back
This Wednesday I hit a huge milestone in my journey by attending a live wrestling event for the first time since before my transition began. And what a return it will be.
It’s July 2023. I have come out to Katy, and my Doctor, and have barely started seeing a therapist for my gender dysphoria. I’m sitting in the front row of the TD Garden in Boston at an All Elite Wrestling (AEW) event. This is a place where I usually feel safe. This is a place where I know that any transphobes would be largely outnumbered by supportive people. I’ve got makeup on. I’m wearing a t-shirt that proudly says ‘Non-Binary’ on it even though I’m yet to come out and even though there’s a chance I might get recognized on TV by people at my workplace and friends online who have spotted us before.
There’s a moment in the match between defending FTW champion Hook and Jack Perry where you can see Katy ask me if I’m okay, and you can see me silently nod. I don’t look okay.
And Katy certainly doesn’t seem convinced by my nodding.
Because I wasn’t remotely okay. I’m less than thirty minutes removed from the worst panic attack of my life. The tears have barely stopped. The feeling has only just started creeping back into my face and hands which had gone completely numb. Something I didn’t even know could happen.
I’m still not sure how Katy got us to our seats. I remember standing outside the arena crying and shaking and telling her I had no idea which way to go or what to do. But we made it into our seats before the show started. Someway, somehow.
After a few matches you can see the life start to come back into my eyes. After Adam Cole and MJF defeat Sammy Guevara and Daniel Garcia, my favorite tag team in the world, FTR, come out and cut a promo. The show cuts to commercial. When it comes back I’m completely restored.
What didn’t make it to TV was FTR’s Dax Harwood scanning the crowd after their segment and looking right at my T-shirt, before making a bee line right towards me and giving me a high five. Katy saw Dax notice my T-shirt too.
For the first time in my life, a random stranger has made me feel seen. And for that, I’m glad we went to that show, but what becomes readily apparent afterwards is that I am not in any condition to go see another wrestling match any time soon.
March 2024. Rumors are swirling that my favorite wrestler Mercedes Moné is set to debut for All Elite Wrestling in Boston. I am desperate to go to the show. Katy is very nervous about going back to an event that magnitude. She is unconvinced that I am ready for it. I have front row tickets in my shopping cart. We have the money. I know that her debut is going to be a once in a lifetime event.
And I cannot push the button to checkout, because I know that I cannot guarantee that I could enjoy it. I know that I cannot honestly tell Katy that I will be okay.
Days before the show, something happens online and I am warned by a good friend that I might be about to get doxed or worse. I lock down most of my social media. A friend has had photographs of their house posted online on a hate site and there’s good reason to think I might get targeted next. The hate site has previously doxed me, and now that I am openly trans, it feels like I’m more on their radar than ever before.
The details of this aren’t something I want to go into, and fortunately it turned out to be a false alarm.
But my mental health is in the gutter. On March 11th, I write this on a forum:
I still can't believe I won't be at the Boston show this week. When I next feel up to going to a show like that will be a major milestone for me. Until then... I remain committed to my therapy and treatment. We absolutely could have bought front row seats. I had them in my cart. I almost checked out. But I also was in a really bad place mentally, and I'm glad I slept on it because come the morning I knew that it would be too soon.
Two days before the event... it's definitely too soon.
I eagerly await the debut of my number one wished for signing, and I hope that it leads to further growth for the women's division, that definitely doesn't get the respect the talents within it deserve. Maybe with a big established star in the mix, things might change.
But failing that, I've missed seeing Mercedes work. She was my favorite performer in the fed when I was still watching. I don't think she comes into AEW as their best technical performer, but she is a high level in ring performer who was called into action whenever the fed needed to ensure that a given match would deliver. First women's rumble? She spent the most time in there. First women's iron man match? They put her in there. Just to give two examples.
And if nothing else, knowing that Tony has invested in this, and will want to put that money on the screen gives me optimism. I can't wait to see Mone against many of the women in the division, with a one on one match with Athena being my absolute dream match.
In early 2025 I express to Katy that I want to start working towards seeing wrestling in person once again. We both agree that it can’t be in a giant arena with tens of thousands of people. We need to start smaller. I think about maybe going to see Beyond Wrestling in Worcester, MA. A small indie show that features a lot of talent I’m familiar with.
I suggest something like April or May as a realistic timeline. Katy thinks this is reasonable. Then in February something unexpected happens.
All Elite Wrestling announce a show in April at a smaller venue. Not simply any venue either.
MGM Music Hall at Fenway was the last place I had seen a show at that point. In early September of 2023, days after starting HRT and coming out at work and to my family, we go see Babymetal in concert there. It’s a much smaller venue than the Garden and while I couldn’t quite stick it out for the full encore set we both have a great time.
We know the venue. We know the area. Katy puts down some extremely reasonable conditions. Don’t put us in the front row where we’ll be on TV the entire time and potentially exposed to collisions or blood spatter. Ideally something in front of an elevated position. Also, go with some friends, so that I have more than her to rely on if things go south.
Tickets haven’t been announced as going on sale yet. I reach out to some friends of ours we’ve attended wrestling with before. Next thing I know they somehow have the ideal seats already in hand, again despite the tickets not having been announced as being on sale.
I’m confident that Mercedes Moné isn’t going to miss wrestling in her hometown of Boston. I’m confident I’m finally going to see her wrestle live and in person for the first time since watching her in a multi woman match back in 2018.
Then, on April 3rd, this happens.
As I write this, Athena and Moné have still never wrestled one on one in any wrestling company. They only wrestled twice back in the old company, in two multi women’s matches.
I look at the brackets and I start thinking about how many matches we might see per episode. Obviously, with Athena and Moné on the same side of the bracket they can’t face each other on May 25th. Could things line up so I get my ‘absolute dream match’ in Boston?
Realizing I wasn’t nearly ready to attend Big Business was a really difficult moment for me last year. I know it was the right thing, but it still makes me sad to think about what could have been if my mental health had been better.
Was my patience going to be rewarded with the match of my dreams? A match I had been wishing for since before Moné was even confirmed to be joining AEW? Had the stars truly aligned, providing me with the perfect venue, the perfect seats, the perfect friends to help support me, all in which to watch my two favorite wrestlers square off one on one for the first time in their careers?
Why yes. The stars had truly aligned.
And to return to one final point from that post in March 2023.
I hope that it leads to further growth for the women's division, that definitely doesn't get the respect the talents within it deserve. Maybe with a big established star in the mix, things might change.
For at least the last few months, the women’s division has been getting the focus it long deserved.
At the bottom of things, when hope is lost, it can feel like it’s never coming back. Like nothing good will ever happen again. In a place I had felt at home, I had felt exposed and scared, in ways I had never felt before.
This Wednesday, I come back home. And for at least one night, the universe demonstrates that dreams absolutely can come true.